The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize