I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
