We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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