I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think your dad took our porno
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
