So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
