am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
