He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
