Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
