I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
