I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
