I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
it's like iHOP with fire
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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