Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
