So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
