your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
