theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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