i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
i now understand why vodka
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
