I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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