I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
