Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
