Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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