I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
