She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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