GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
