just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize