I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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