I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
