This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
did i just pee glitter
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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