Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
