my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
