I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
