I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize
