my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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