based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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