Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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