i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize