Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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