Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
