i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I am midnight drunk by noon
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
