I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
