guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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