I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
