My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
