Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
