you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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