Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
