there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
