Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize