I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize