this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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