The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
