Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
