Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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