I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
