Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
another moral hangover. fuck.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
