I love black thongs
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
