she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
