dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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