I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize