Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
